Q & A 77: Unpacking Narcissism and Navigating Love: A Guide to High-Quality Relationships

Ever thought about why narcissists treat their partners so poorly? We're unpacking that and more in the latest season of Quality of Love. Our exploration begins with a deep dive into the core of narcissistic behaviors, their extreme self-absorption, and the insecurities that fuel their actions. 

As we peel back each layer, our focus shifts to the strategies needed to navigate these tumultuous relationships, including when therapy may be a necessity. 

Stay tuned as we tackle the daunting question - what to do if you're in love with a narcissist? The answer isn't simple, but we promise to guide you every step of the way. We'll cover the warning signs of a cheater, the necessity of setting firm boundaries, and how to boost your confidence to tackle these challenges head-on. 

Plus, we've got Mr. Team Angel, Eddie Mitchell, lined up to share his insights on navigating traumatic experiences. You'll want to stick around for that chat on the 21st of October!

This season, we're also bringing light to the overlooked topic of communication and sexual desire - we'll explore the importance of having tough conversations and identifying unmet needs. We'll provide you the toolkit you need to deal with uncomfortable situations, such as deciding whether to stay with a partner who has different kinks. But that's not all. 

We're concluding this season by sharing the five must-have ingredients for a resilient relationship - trust, communication, knowing your partner's love and apology languages, adaptability, and unconditional acceptance. So whether you're in a relationship or looking to be in one, this season of The Quality of Love is your roadmap to a high-quality love life.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

You're listening to the Quality of Love podcast, your home for all things love, relationship and mental health Hosted by nationally certified life and relationship coach, tyrone Dixon. Welcome to the Quality of Love podcast. I am your host, tyrone Dixon, nationally certified life and relationship coach, husband, father to two beautiful princesses, and CEO and founder of a road soup concrete consulting. Thank you everyone for taking the time out to listen in with us tonight. We really appreciate it. I'm really excited. I don't know if you could tell by my voice if you're watching on YouTube, I know you can see it on my face, but I'm really excited. Um, frankly, I can't believe that I made it to a six season with a quality of love podcast and started this off as a brain child I guess you would say that that eventually morphed into a pandemic baby and now, in a quality of love, has been hit in places like Panama, hitting different countries that I've never even been to. I don't think I know anybody that live in these countries. So we, we, we, we hit in some spaces, we hit in some people and we're impacting lives. So I want to say, as always, I will always start this podcast off thanking you, the audience, the individuals that listen, subscribe, give me feedback on what you want to hear, send me in some questions I want you want me to answer. I promise you that will never go over my head. That's something I'll always appreciate. Keep doing it, keep sending me that energy, keep sending me that love, because we kick off this new season, though, one of the things that I heard from the audience is that we want to mix it up a little bit more. We want to get some individuals in here that we're going to interview some real dope people to hear their life stories, hear how they're navigating life and how they persevered. So I heard you. We heard you. We got some dope people scheduled already on the podcast for some interviews, so be on the lookout for that. Um, I already know one locked in for sure that I'm excited, really, really excited about this gentleman. His name is Eddie Mitchell. He's Mr Team Angel. He does a lot of work in Syracuse community, so I'm really looking forward to being able to get him on a quality of love podcast, get to some of the things that he has going on, speak to him about how he navigated a lot of the trauma that he's experienced in life, and give give us some tips and tools on how we can navigate some of the trauma that we experienced. Right? It's nothing like having somebody on a from that's on the front line, come in and speak to you about trauma, their experiences, and give you some tools, tips and techniques that help you out. So, looking forward to that. That'll be on the 21st of October, probably going to drop it somewhere in that within that week, right? So look forward to that week of the 21st Old. Drop the episode Once we do the interview obviously, edit it up, make everything look good for you all.

Speaker 1: 3:05

So, heard you again. I hear you. We'll mix it up a little bit. We'll get some dope people in here, some different techniques for you all to learn, not only about love, but about life. Right, get you some techniques that you'll learn about life. You can apply them right away. I know how we do here at the quality of love. We want you to apply those techniques right away, don't sit around and wait on it.

Speaker 1: 3:25

With that being said, let's kick off season six as we kick off any other season. What a dope quote. Right? And this quote is actually from me. So funny, I've gotten to his faces where I'm quoting myself now. So no, I just want to kick this season off by saying and I say it all the time but the quality of love and relationships that you have in your life really does determine the quality of your life. Once again, that's, the quality of love and relationships that you have in your life determines the quality of your life. So really be serious about the relationships that you have in your life, man, the people that you allow into your circle, the people that you give your energy to get serious about that stuff, man, because those people are the people that have a direct impact on your quality of life. All right, I know y'all ready. It came to season six to hear some questions and answers, so we'll get right to it, but before we do, don't forget to tap in with us. On the 21st of October or around the 21st of October, we got a dope interview with Mr Team Angel, aka Eddie Mitchell. He'll be coming through, sharing some of his tools, his tips and how he navigates this Syracuse area and the trauma that's constantly around in a city like we live. All right, let's get to it. Let's knock some of these narcissists off their pedestal.

Speaker 1: 4:50

In a relationship setting Question number one why do narcissists treat their partner so badly? Once again, that question is why do narcissists treat their partner so badly? I would say it's a combination of things. Number one a narcissistic individual is extremely self-absorbed, right? So they're constantly thinking about what they can get out of you, what they can get out of a situation, how their needs can be met, and in doing so they pay very little attention to your needs, to what you want, right, and the life that you wanna live. So there's that, right, they're very self-absorbed. They only think about themselves.

Speaker 1: 5:28

The other piece of narcissistic behavior within a relationship is that person is probably extremely insecure. So there's something that either you have or you possess, a quality that you possess that this person does not possess within themselves, and because they know they don't possess this quality within themselves, it makes them extremely insecure when they're in a relationship with you. So a combination of those two things could cause an individual who's narcissistic or who has narcissistic traits, to treat you really badly. And unfortunately, when you're in those type of relationships, you like to think that they get better, but more often than not they don't get better, they just tend to get worse over time, right? So just be mindful of that. This person is self-absorbed, this person is only interested in having their needs met, only interested in you kind of being within their self-absorbed world. So if you are really looking for a quality partner, a quality relationship, you probably want to look in another direction, because that person will continue to go on and treat you in a negative manner.

Speaker 1: 6:36

Question number two what does a narcissist do if you break off their relationship with him or her? Once again, that question is what does a narcissist do if you break off a relationship with him or her, if you really break it off right? So first the thing they'll do is they'll try to get you back. More often than not they'll reverse to some of those behaviors that you saw at the beginning of the relationship so when you thought they were charming, loving that person you could spend the rest of your life with or you could spend a significant amount of time with. They'll start to revert back to some of those behaviors if they think that you're really serious about leaving or breaking off the relationship, if that doesn't work right. So it's kind of stages, I guess you would say so.

Speaker 1: 7:17

If that stage of them trying to get you back doesn't work, they then typically start to try to do a smear campaign on you. A smear campaign is when an individual talks bad about you to your closest family and friends, trying to get you to think or get them excuse me to think things like you're crazy. You need mental health help. You have a lot of issues and everything that went wrong in a relationship was your fault guaranteed. If you survived the second stage, chances are you'll see some extreme behavior from this narcissistic individual up to and leading to them stalking you. I know, unfortunately, that's a reality of the world we live in.

Speaker 1: 7:59

Narcissistic individuals can go to extreme measures. If you break off the relationship with an individual who is a narcissist, the best thing that you can hope for is that they find a new supply or a new individual that will basically feed into their BS and keep them the center of their world. Question number three why do narcissists reject love and relationships even though they need to feel wanted? Once again, that question is why do narcissists reject love and relationships even though they need to feel wanted? That's actually a really good question, because it's almost like it becomes a mind game when you're dealing with narcissistic individuals, because the reality is, as human beings, we all want love, we all want attention, we all want affection in some way, shape or form, right? So when you're dealing with a narcissistic individual, they can only receive that love, right? So when we're talking about relationship settings a relationship as we always talk about on the quality of love is a mutual thing right, it's a two-way street more or less. So you're giving, you're getting back.

Speaker 1: 9:05

There's a lot of reciprocity involved in love and relationships. The thing with the narcissistic individual is they're so self-absorbed they don't care about any of that, right, the only thing that they want is the love and attention and affection from your end, without reciprocating it. Alright. So that's where it gets tricky when you're dealing with a narcissistic individual. Because when you do, put all of your energy and effort into loving them, appreciating them, showing them areas and avenues that make you vulnerable right, love is a vulnerable thing, relationships is a vulnerable thing. So when you do that, that narcissistic individual takes that in, but then they don't reciprocate it, right? So it makes you feel like, okay, what's going on? I'm giving this person my best efforts and they're not giving me anything in return. If you continue to feed that energy into a narcissistic individual, unfortunately, the reality is it's almost like giving a kid candy all the time, right, you're just charging them up, charging them up, charging them up to the point where they'll eventually feel like, oh, I don't have to show attention, I don't have to show affection to this individual, because they're giving me all their attention, all their affection. And I say this all the time when I'm either in group settings or doing one-on-one work with a client. You can't operate at your full capacity if you poured into someone else, right? So if you poured everything that you have energy-wise into someone else, then you can't operate at your full capacity and it'll be tough for others to get the best version of you If you poured everything that you had into an individual who didn't give you anything in return.

Speaker 1: 10:41

Question number four what will you do if you find out your lover is a narcissist? Once again, that question is what will you do if you find out your lover is a narcissist? That's a tough one, because I always recommend in relationships to try to therapy route first. I'm one of those people that's like exhaust all your resources, right, do everything that you can to try to make it work in a relationship, but then once that happens, it's over, right? So the first step, since you're just finding this information out is I would go to therapy route and if they decide, or he or she decides, that they don't want or are not interested in therapy, that's an automatic red flag for me.

Speaker 1: 11:24

For me, I'm like, okay, yeah, this is probably. We probably better make some definitive deadline for this relationship because this person is clearly displaying narcissistic traits and characteristics and they're not interested in going to therapy to get some of those behaviors either corraled, addressed, spoken to. Yeah, that's chances are, they're in their own head, they're self-absorbed, they lack self-awareness and it's very hard to move on in a relationship with people like that. So if this is you're realizing it, you're doing I know everybody does research on it Realizing your partner might be a narcissist. You're doing research on it. Next step would be therapy. Right, if he or she is resistant to therapy or says things like, oh, I don't need anybody to help me or anybody tell me what to do, then you need to definitely start making plans to leave that relationship, because once you start to see those behaviors, or once an individual who's narcissistic becomes comfortable enough to display those behaviors to you, it does not get better from there. Right, that's a narcissist being completely comfortable in your presence and that's an individual that's probably going to show you the full quote, unquote bag that they have in terms of narcissistic behavior.

Speaker 1: 12:43

Question number five what does a narcissist not have or should say my apologies what does a narcissist not want you to have? Once again, that question is what does a narcissist not want you to have? I'd say confidence, especially self-confidence. If you have self-confidence, that's one of the most intimidating things to a narcissistic individual, because individuals that are self-confident don't typically follow right. Those are the people in our society that are leaders. They don't quite care what you want, they're so focused on. Well, when I say don't care what you want, I don't mean that totally, but I mean in terms of your self-absorption.

Speaker 1: 13:22

So if you find yourself in a relationship for example I was just working with a client and we did this technique but if you find yourself in a relationship with an individual who is a narcissist, right, and this person is constantly whining about what they need and how their needs aren't being met and so on and so forth, and you say, okay, figure it out, you figure it out for yourself. You figure out what your needs are, you identify those needs and then you create a strategy to be able to work your way towards executing, getting your needs done. When I had this person do this or share this information with a narcissist, it was like they, it was a landmine that they stepped on, essentially using figurative language. Of course, it was a landmine because the narcissist is like they don't expect you to have a comeback to something like that, or to that extent where it's like okay, figure it out. If you need my help, I can help you, but you need to figure out what you need to do to make yourself confident, make yourself feel like you are in a world where you can thrive and not have to put people down at the same time. Oh man, that's self-confidence in a relationship with a narcissist Very, very intimidating. The other thing that I've seen excuse me are really firm boundaries. People who know how to set firm boundaries and do not deviate on those boundaries. It's very hard for a narcissistic individual to be around them because they already know they're not going for the BS in a lot of cases. And if you are firm with your boundaries, a narcissistic individual will eventually want to stay away from you as much as possible Because, again, they know you're not going for the BS that a lot of other people go for.

Speaker 1: 15:04

All right, let's shift a little bit into this relationship stuff, answer some relationship questions. Then, of course, I got to plug my boy, sir Ron Miller, over at Humble Fit. He gave me the tea I ain't forget about you, brother the Kingswear tea. I woke up feeling myself, so I'm gonna plug my boy at the end of this. All right, what's up with this relationship stuff? Question number one what are some signs that a person who has cheated before is likely to cheat again on their new spouse or partner? Once again, that question is what are some signs that a person who has cheated before is likely to cheat again on their new spouse or partner? So I'm fortunate enough to have been on multiple sides of this coin and I'll say that I used to believe I was always told once a cheater, always a cheater. I've obviously grown to, first of all, to spell a lot of those beliefs in a lot of those rumors.

Speaker 1: 16:06

I've talked to so many individuals not even just men, but women as well who've cheated on their spouse or partner Once or twice, whatever the case may be, but then they never did it again, right, and a lot of their times that it's a very internal thing, right, when you're talking about cheating, it doesn't have anything to do with your partner, it's all about you, right? What needs you haven't met, what needs you haven't had expressed. So, with that being said, I just want to start this conversation off by saying that if someone cheated before, it doesn't mean that they always will cheat or they will cheat again. Getting more specifically to your question, though, signs include them being very sketchy, I guess, would be the word around you, right? So that's the person that's on the phone. And then you come in a room and they're like oh, call you back. Or like, oh, hey, hey. Or the person that's always been willing and open to allowing you to have their phone. And then now, all of a sudden, within the past few weeks or a few months, they're like oh, are you on my phone? Or why are you doing this?

Speaker 1: 17:07

I'll also say that this is true in every woman, and I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to play women or put anybody against each other, but Women's intuition is insane, right? So if you are a woman I don't know, obviously, I don't know who it is there's a question was sent in anonymously but if you are a woman, I would definitely say follow your intuition. Let your intuition guide you. In this situation and in most cases when I'm working with women, I have sisters that obviously are women and I interact with women. Their intuition is right, a lot of times right, when they get that gut feeling and they feel like, okay, something isn't right or this person is doing something that they're not supposed to be doing. In a lot of cases, there that gut feeling is true, right, that's that six cents that I've seen many a times with women when they just tell me like, oh, something's not right or I feel like something's wrong, and then X amount of months down the line or a year down the line, they found out that they found out that spouse was cheating or their partner cheated. So I say all of that to say if you are a woman that's asking this question, follow your intuition. That's an that's. That's an easy way to tell if an individual is cheating.

Speaker 1: 18:18

The other thing is don't be afraid to ask questions. I think a lot, in a lot of cases, when we feel like our partner is doing something that they're not supposed to be doing or Doing something behind our back, we become fearful of having a conversation with them. Ask questions, right, you know your partner better than anyone and I will hope if this person has become your spouse, you would know them very well, right? You would know that when they're lying or when they're maybe not necessarily, the story is not aligning. Or one of my favorite new terms that One of my clients just shared with me is when the math ain't mathing, right. So when the math ain't mathin you got, you got. Double check those, those sources and and make sure you get to the bottom of that. But again, don't just go in assuming that this person is cheating just because they've cheated before.

Speaker 1: 19:05

Question number two what are the psychological reasons that people stay in relationships after being cheated on? Is it possible to forgive your partner and move on after they've cheated? That's a loaded question. Let's try that again. What are the psychological reasons that people stay in relationships after being cheated on? Part one, and and then part two is is it possible to forgive a partner and move on after they've cheated?

Speaker 1: 19:33

I think a lot of times when we stay with partners After they've cheated on us, it's a convenience thing, right? Like we feel like that's all we know, right, we don't know anything else to go out into the day and pool can be scary, go on to the day and world can be scary, especially nowadays. Right, we, we are in a very interesting society where people are, they become good with one night stands and having side women inside dudes, Like that's. That's become a thing in our society. And I remember just back in the day and I I've always been accused of being the old soul. So will you hear me say back in the day I'm just referencing the time in which I was younger but yeah, I've always, I've always been the old soul man and been the person that's like I thought you keep that type of stuff behind the scenes and you don't discuss it. But we've entered a whole new generation, a whole new society where people discuss that type of stuff. It's very open, right, it's very out and open. I can't tell you how many clients I've worked with and people I've worked with that are like oh, I just, I just got a main dude and a side dude, or I just got a main chick and the side chick and I'm like that's a lot of energy being divided in multiple areas. Man, bless your heart, because I know I could do it. But yeah, like they're.

Speaker 1: 20:51

There are a ton of psychological reasons insecurity, comfort, the embarrassment, right, think about the embarrassment that goes along with having to Acknowledge that your partner cheated, after having to acknowledge that the relationship didn't work out, and having to face your family and friends and and have conversations with them about it. Right, that's like that's can be embarrassing you can. Shame is another one I would. I would throw out there. Fear, another reason, right. Who am I? Who do I? Who am I now that I'm no longer married or no longer with my partner? All of those are big reasons to stay in a relationship after you've been cheated.

Speaker 1: 21:33

To answer the second part of your question, I think it's certainly possible to move on with your partner after you've been cheated on. Biggest thing again, like, you'll always hear me reference therapy, mainly because it's such a stigma in the black community that we need to get over that. Like we need to really break those barriers, because I for me, personally, I can't tell you the things that therapy has done for me, the different avenues that it's opened up for me in a different kind of perspective and ways of Thinking that it's, it's provided me right. So I'm a huge advocate for therapy. First thing, first therapy. If that's not successful, right, or if therapy does not work, then you have to get to a space where you're able to have very frank discussion, very frank conversations about Needs, right, because when cheating occurs in a relationship, there's a need that has not been met and it may not have been expressed right. Share another story. By the. By the way, all my clients they already know that I Am able to share their stories on this platform, names, of course, not being included but I had a client that I had worked with previously that had a I guess we would say kink is what you would call it for wanting to, to be able to be tied up right and and Taking advantage of it that way, and not negatively, but being.

Speaker 1: 22:58

They liked the idea of being submissive and tied up right, but they were afraid to share this with their partner. So what they did eventually Was cheat on their partner multiple times. And as we were having a conversation, one of the things that I had asked them is what? Okay, so why can't you have these experiences with your own partner? What? What's the disconnect there? And their response was they thought their partner would be ashamed of them or think that they were Too freaky or they were too much. And I'm like oh, I understand that right there can be when it comes to difficult conversations like sexual desire, sexual kinks it can be very difficult to share that with your partner, right. But to me I'm like, okay, that fear or concern with not sharing it with your partner led you to cheating right and led you to hurting your partner. So what's worse Exposing this or sharing this with them and getting their response on the front end, or dealing with the pain that you had to expose them to on a back end? And after obviously a ton of sessions they were able to see kind of the error in their ways and the reality is your partner was into it, like that's the and again, that's the crazy thing about just communication and having conversations with people is that their partner once told kind of the extent and Obviously the cheating stuff was out there. Their partner was like what? Like I would have definitely been. So their story ended well, they are still together, so you can move on with the partner After they've cheated on you or after being cheated on.

Speaker 1: 24:37

But the reality is you have to get to a space where you talk about the need that wasn't met in that relationship and a lot of times the need that's not met has something to do with the sexual desire or sexual kink. Get vulnerable with your partner, right, ask them what they like, what they desire, and then, if it's, if it is something that you like whoa, like slow too much for me, like I don't, I don't venture down those avenues. Then you got to make a conscious decision. Do you stay with that person who has this kink and Needs to have it expressed in some way, shape or form, or you do you make the decision to move out and kind of do your own thing? And Then, last but certainly not least, question number three over here on our relationship side of things Should someone break up with their partner if they feel their life has gotten worse since being in a relationship?

Speaker 1: 25:27

Once again, that question is should someone break up with their partner If they feel like their life has gotten worse since being in a relationship? I Would say, yeah, yeah, that'd like. I'm Definitely not for being in a relationship where you feel like your life is horrible or your life has gotten worse. I'm, I'm very much the person that's like you can do bad on your own right, like I've seen that so many times, I've seen it enough times is like yeah, no, I'm not. I would never encourage someone to stay in a relationship when they're where they're not happy. Stay in a relationship where they feel like they their life has gotten worse since connecting or Combining with this individual? Absolutely not. That's something that I'm against, and I would say it's best to move on sooner than later and have that conversation where it's like you don't necessarily have to say you've made my life worse or you've made my life horrible, but just it's not working out right. This, this isn't the way I envision this relationship going. You know, though, I appreciate your time, love, respect, whatever it is. I have to go in a different direction, because this isn't what I envisioned in terms of relationship for my life. That's it, man, we're back season six. I can't believe it, my goodness.

Speaker 1: 26:48

Shout out to Seron Humblefit Miller. I'll make sure I leave the link, but go and grab y'all some of his gear. Man, he's definitely one of the best Local individuals doing merchandise, doing clothing. He has sneakers, he has workout clothing. The guy is just very, very talented man. One of my friends, a extremely talented young man. Streamly, humble, humble, fit is perfect. It's like the perfect for him, perfect Company, tack for him. Go check him out, mr Humblefit himself, don't forget.

Speaker 1: 27:20

In a couple weeks, we'll have Mr Team Angel, eddie Mitchell on with the podcast interview. Really looking forward to that. All the great work that he's done. Man, this is, I mean, I'm feeling good y'all. Thank y'all so much for everything. All of the love, all of the feedback, all of the belief in the world, all of the belief in me really right, the belief in me and my team to be able to deliver consistently. That's it again, I always say thank you. It's not just me, it'll never be just me. Although I'm the face of the quality of love, the face of a lot of the stuff that I'm doing. I got a lot of people that's working with me behind the scenes, doing a lot of great work behind the scenes, and it's it's all moving in the right direction right now. So I want to say thank you to the audience. Keep listening, keep subscribing, hit that like button, hit the subscribe button, all of that good stuff as we continue to grow and continue to thrive right in this podcast and space, and then in life too. All right, that's it.

Speaker 1: 28:20

Don't forget, though, the five ingredients to a lasting relationship. Number one is trust. Right, gotta have trust as a foundation of your relationship. Number two is communication. Communication as in dialogue, right, so we're having a conversation back and forth. You've identified your needs, I've identified my needs, and we're both actively listening and seeking out how we can get those needs met. Number three knowing your partner's love and apology languages. So, not only knowing how to love on them, but know how to say sorry in a way that makes them feel like you really love them, right, and you appreciate them as the human being they are.

Speaker 1: 29:02

Number three Adaptability. Boy, you need to be able to adjust through these times and all of these changes, the things that come about in terms of change and and a all like just all of the change that comes about in a relationship in the world. Right, you need to have the ability to adapt and shift and adjust when it comes to your relationship. Next one is unconditional acceptance. Right, so, accepting your partner for who they are, but then also knowing that they're working to be the best individual that they possibly can be on a daily basis. All right, hit us up at TQLP to zero with any questions that you have. Again, tqlp to zero at gmailcom with any questions that you have, either in terms of relationships, or if you have maybe a little narcissist that you might be dealing with, we could hook you up and help you out with that as well. As always, everyone remember the quality of love and relationships that you have in your life Will determine the quality of your life Peace and love.